Zach Zupancic

Zach Zupancic

Senior Designer, SolidWorks addict, AutoCAD zealot, Cyclist, Shade Tree Mechanic, & moderately tall. 

Bad times and Kirk still gets to roam...

So I finally have some free time to expound on what happened these days after I asked for some space. The night that I asked for space she called me at 11pm; while yes this is pretty early I was already asleep hoping to get a full night's rest. She was crying again, which seems to be the only emotion that I really know from her anymore. She asked if I was breaking up with her, if we were okay. I told her that I was not going to break up with her, and yes we were okay. I haven’t been in many long term relationships, but from what I have seen of those that work there is a mutual agreement that space is something that should be given without asking. Only when there is too much space is there an issue, but for fucks sake since when is one night of peace too much space? We continued to talk, and talk, and talk; her second favorite thing to do nowadays. Once she calmed down, and I assured her that we are okay I tell her I love her, and we hang up the phone at 12.30. I stay awake for another 2 hours thinking about what we had talked about, and then wake up at 6.30, getting a fantastic 4 hours of sleep.

I am really glad that I have a career that I love doing; otherwise I would have been really frustrated and in a horrid mood.

I have been helping her with every single one of her problems, she states that there are more than I know; but it still doesn’t change the fact that I help her furiously. All I ask is that I have some time to help me return to normalcy, but I don’t even know what that is anymore... not to sound like some macho man but it had been 6 years since I last cried; and since being with her I have cried 4 times. Twice because I lied to her and it broke me that I did, and twice because I have been trying so hard to change everything that I was to make sure that our relationship would be strong. There is only so much "I thought you would have said..." or "I was just waiting for you to do..." that I could take before I broke. Nothing I want or do is ever good enough, or meets her expectations of me. I, on the other hand, have never had any expectations of her. That wasn't meant to be a mean comment, it is just that I allow her to be herself around me and I enjoy/respect her choices and decisions. Maybe I should start having wild expectations of her and turn it around on her but alas, I am not that kind of person.

As a matter of fact I am not really sure who I am anymore. I have changed so much from what I was, what I did, and who I hung out with that having a simple cup of coffee with my best friend, whom I’ve known for 19 years, doesn't feel normal. Our conversation last night (see post below) was abrupt and lacked depth. It was as if we were talking at each other and not with each other. Granted I was running off of 4 hours of sleep and a full work day; but even in the past lack of sleep had never been an issue. To a passerby things between her and I, and our group as a whole seemed to be okay. I, on the other hand, was not.

After coffee, and the awesome 4 hours sleep with a work day, I wanted to go home and sleep. She on the other hand wanted to have under the covers time. Normally, I would be all for it; and as a matter of fact I used to be that way. I used to want to have bed time fun time with her twice a day. Then she asked me to stop, stating that she was worried that we were having it too much. I gave her my reasons as to why I liked doing it everyday, but I respected her decision and slowed down. She asked if she could stay, and I hesitated. She didn’t take that too well. She asked why I don’t get exacted for her anymore, why I don’t touch her and much as she touches me, all these things that I am apparently not doing to her standards. I didn’t have an answer; I just said that I loved her. I wanted a night without drama, and it was turning out be the first one in a long while. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

I told her that maybe we should hold of on sex for awhile. Granted she may have used different words to me a couple months back, but the end result would have been the same. But now that I am the one that asks and not her, she won’t have it; she won’t give me the respect that I showed her.

I want her and me to work, but as the days go by it is getting harder and harder to see that happening. I miss the fun times, the smiles, the easy days; and it is getting harder to remember a single day that we had where drama wasn’t involved. I don’t want drama. I want to be happy to see her, spend time with her, and do anything with her. But as of right now and for the last couple of months it is heart wrenching.