Zach Zupancic

Zach Zupancic

Senior Designer, SolidWorks addict, AutoCAD zealot, Cyclist, Shade Tree Mechanic, & moderately tall. 

What is next?

Quite a bit of the hub-bub has been diminished since the incident where I needed to have a day of space. After another talk about the exact same things, and me once again sounding like a broken record, we were able to move on from that spout. Things were really looking on the up-and-up after that as well; we had two amazing days of fun and laughter without a single hint of drama or tears. I was finally starting to remember what being happy with her felt like.

And then, as usual; she caused quite a bit of drama.

This isn’t the normal type of drama that I am used to... no. This is the type of drama that I have never dealt with; I am not going to disclose the accounts that happened, just know that it is something that I deeply frown upon.

Now I have been telling myself that if there was any more drama, of any sort, then I would not be able to handle it. That I would no longer be able to stay in a relationship with someone whose soul purpose seems to be making sure that I am not happy, and never in a state of awesome. That is what I told myself before the incident happened.

Once she told me what she did we sat in silence for what seemed for days; I didn’t know how to react, or what to say. I was on the cusp of telling her that we were through so many times, but whenever I tried to let the words escape my mouth they wouldn’t come. I let her know how disgusted it made me feel, and that it was something that would take time and effort on her part to mend what she did. Then I asked her what she would do if she were in my shoes.

"Continue on, keep pushing, and give you another chance."

Who wouldn’t say that after they fucked up? Granted she told me what she did, and that does count for something. If I would have found this out on my own, the conversation would have been a great deal shorter. So I sat there, staring blankly at last year’s Guitar Center calendar. Searching for how I should go about dealing with this... I told her that I needed to tell someone about this. I needed to get someone else's advice as to what to do. She asked that I don't tell anyone about it. She asked that of me because she knew that if I were to ask anyone's opinion what to do, they would say to end the relationship. But me being the ultra nice guy, I told her that I would tell someone that she has never met and has no contact with any of my friends. I needed some time to think about what happened, to help me act rationally, and not in haste.

Before she left I hugged her and kissed her on the forehead. I let her know that I wanted to be with her, and that I didn't want to break up with her. She went to her car, and I even with her door closed I could still hear her cry. I stood there for a bit, wondering what I should do.

I walked inside, found on old pack of cigarettes, walked outside, and lit it up. While I know this does sound extremely cliché; it was something that I gave up on account of an ultimatum that she gave me after a previous talk/drama incident. She knew what that meant (the only reason that I smoked in front of her before was due to drama, or when I was extremely annoyed because of her). She got back out of her car and came over to me, and cried some more.

She tried to kiss me, but I refused. She cried harder, but it was something that I had to stand my ground on, at least for now. I reminded her that I needed time to think about it, that I didn’t want to break up with her, and that I still loved her. She got back into her car and drove away.

It took me a couple hours of staring at the empty darkness before I was able to get to sleep that night.

--

I woke up to my phone ringing at 11am. It was her. She wanted to see me. I told her that I wanted to do absolutely nothing. I wanted to watch cartoons, lie in bed, and do absolutely nothing at all. She heard me, and I was specifically clear about doing nothing. She was over around 12, laid down next to me and we started to talk about what happened. At that point I wasn't able to talk to anyone about it, and she assumed that I was able to get in contact with the person that night and have everything worked out within 10 hours. Even after our many talks about her extreme expectations, none of it ever seeps through.

She tried to kiss me and I still resisted, she backed off and started to weep. And like I said before there is only so much crying and tears a human can hear before they don’t care what happens as long as the tears stop. She tried to kiss me again, and even though I resisted it at first I finally gave in... I no longer wanted to hear the tears, or see the weeping. She assumed that everything was in the clear, and that we were back on good terms... I wasn’t in such great spirits. I was specific about doing nothing, specific that I just wanted to do FUCKING NOTHING AT ALL. Every time that I ask if she wants to come over and do nothing at all, she agrees and has an ulterior motive. She thinks that doing nothing means doing something...

Before she left that day I told her that if there was any more drama in the near future I would not be able to take it, and that I didn't know if our relationship would be able to take it.

After a couple days I was finally able to talk to someone about the recent drama, not there person I wanted to talk to, but I was at least glad to tell someone. I didn’t disclose anything other than "something happened" and they were fine with that. After a few drinks and a good discussion about it I was feeling alright again. Not good, but just alright.

The state that I am in right now is nothing great. I haven’t been cycling as much as I would like to, and my body is showing signs of it; gained 13lbs since November, and my lungs don’t work quite as well as they did when I was doing 10miles a day. I am trying to get back into a routine where I am cycling more, but my mind and body just find ways to make that not as easy. Hopefully with a couple more purchases I will want to get back into the spirit of velo. On the other hand, things at the job are looking pretty awesome.

Hopefully things will start to look up, and the drama seems to have subsided for now. After all formula 1 starts on March 30th, the first WRC round starts in 2 days, and Liverpool is doing well in the EPL.

Till the next round,
-Fuck emo lifestyles...